Thank you for accepting the invitation to attend Mel and Ian’s 99th birthday shindig. In response to queries, and for the more literal and less numerically inclinded amongst you: Ian is already 49, Mel shall be turning 50 (insh’allah), and thusly, 49 + 50 = 99. (At least, last time I checked. I shall have my accountant confirm.)
Some points of etiquette/clarfication appear below:
- Lawn bowls won’t be occuring at the soiree. If anyone wishes to engage with the young hipsters or old codgers who may be on the green betwen 7 and 8 pm, they shall have renounced their right to free booze.
- The dress code is “Come as you fancy.” For those with a less-precise grasp of the English tongue than this ‘ere poetess, this could mean:
a. Wear fancy dress.
b. Come wearing what ‘fancy’ means to you. (Emphasis on the ‘you’.)
c. Come wearing what fancy means to me: purple velvet 2-piece suit, silver loafers, diamante belt buckle, hat.
d. Arrive in unwashed bushman gear. Please note: If you choose this option, see point 1 above and also note, you shall be confined to the outdoors, where unwashed bushmen belong, and where there is no bar service.
e. No shorts, unless you are or identify on occasion as a female person, and/or they are hotpants. Thongs of both kinds are acceptable, but only if bling-y or paried with a tuxedo.
f. Hats and wigs very welcome but certainly not mandatory. - Food. There will be some, for those who (unlike me), find themselves caring about such necessities. It will be hot, good, and have vegetarian (though not vegan) options. It will also be Halal but possibly or maybe not Kosher. (Please check with your nearest available rabbi.)
- Drink. Please do. There will be a limited bar tab and then drinks at bowlo prices.
- Presents. Yes please for Mel. However, if you have travelled far, the c.b.f. factor kicks in, life occurs, cozzy livs, you feel the urge to buy something smelly (please resist and desist), then DON’T STRESS. Gifts should be fun, not obligation (except in diplomatic circles.) For Ian, please ask him and refrain from asking me. TIA!
- Inside, there will be music at a volume that discourages conversing but allows brief bursts of yelling things like “I love this one!”, “Your fly is undone!”, “You, go, girl!”. If you wish to chat, there is a powder room and the outdoors.
- There will most likely be members of the Club in attendance. I am told on good authority that they are a generally tame and approachable bunch, and usually depart by their bedtime of 8 pm.
- Unxpected Events on Day Before, or Of, Party. If these occur and prevent your attendance, you are excused from having to inform me. Sadly for you and happily for me, a few fewer guests will not kill the party vibes.
- Ailments. It’s the Middle Ages, so we’ve all got ’em. If your idea of a good night out is to compare symptoms, diagnosis, prognosis and remedies, please adjourn to Ailment Corner, where I would ask that you stay, for the comfort and safety of other guests.
- And finally: It could prove to be a wild and slightly debaucherous night. If the sound of this sounds your alarm, please consider conveying your many sorries and making like Miss Otis Regrets (ie, politely declining to attend.)
Mel Denham dot com 